


I'm Sorry

by Draken Lightwood-Bane (Atalanta_Jackson)



Series: Lyric Stories [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Bitch!Clary, Maryse Lightwood is a Semi-Good Parent, Selfish!Clary, Suicidal!Alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 02:19:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8826553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atalanta_Jackson/pseuds/Draken%20Lightwood-Bane
Summary: Okay, so I still haven't read the books or watched the movies or watches the TV show, and I'm working on it, swear. Anyways, so I watch crack for this fandom (I need my daily dose of crack from the internet!), and I listened to when Jace told Alec quote "Then maybe your mother was right and your best just isn’t good enough", which I thought was really hurtful. Then my mind wandered to what would happen if Alec commited suicide because of Jace saying that. Just a warning, I made Clary be like a spoilt bitch who didn't really care for Alec in this.





	

When Alec was 11, he first cut himself. It was an accident, he’d been training and his blade had slipped onto his arm. His parents were disappointed in him, but it felt _so good_. Alec had started cutting himself frequently after that. _One cut a night, Alec_ He’d whisper to himself each night. They never knew anything. Was it really such a surprise that he’d kept the blades under his sink after he’d stopped? Izzy had found out. Of course she had. The siblings were very close, and she noticed when he started withdrawing into himself more and more, barely talking. She had made him stop then.

Then Jace arrived. Perfect, perfect Jace. He was the son that Maryse and Robert had always wanted, not the screw-up they’d gotten stuck with. Alec had returned to his blades again, this time slicing on his thighs. There was no place for him here anymore, not with Jace arriving to be the perfect son. Now most of what Alec did was accompanied by a sigh and then a “Why can’t you be more like Jace or Isabelle?” from his parents. He contemplated running away several times, not sure why he kept changing his mind. This time, it wasn’t Izzy who discovered him cutting one night. This time it was Jace, who had immediately told Maryse and Robert. Their disappointed looks made Alec want to die, and they took away the blade he’d been using. Alec got a beating later that night, for almost ruining their ‘perfect’ reputation.

Now, Clary waltzed into their lives. All Alec lived for was to keep his siblings alive, and yet this _girl_ kept on bringing Jace into danger. And the worst part was when Alec lost her because of a phone call. What Jace had said afterwards had shocked Alec to the core, made him yearn for the blades under his sink again. He almost didn’t hear Izzy’s reprimand, but Alec knew she’d most likely forgotten. It was when she was 10, and she’d stopped checking up on him nightly 2 years after the incident. So yes, Alec assumed that she had forgotten. He knew that Jace wouldn’t notice anything – Alec had learned how to manipulate a _parabatai_ bond, making the other person be unable to notice anything was wrong.

So that night, Alec picked up his blade, lifted up his shirt and slashed along his ribs several times, but not before making it so that Jace couldn’t feel anything from him. He enjoyed the pain the blade brought him, even if he had to use an irataze(?) on most of the wounds. He counted 10 cuts on either side, and smiled. He brought forth a memory of what had happened earlier, Jace’s voice saying _your mother was right_ and _your best just isn’t good enough_ floating around in his head. Tears fell down his face as Alec cut the words _Useless_ , _Weak_ , _Isn’t Good Enough_ and others like them into his skin. Finished, but with Maryse’s voice mixing in with Jace’s to call him mean words, Alec sighed and pressed the blade vertically into his wrist, slicing downwards. He did this several times, making sure to hit a vein each time before doing the same to his other arm.

(Several minutes earlier, when Alec made the _parabatai_ rune not work anymore, Jace frowned. He had been feeling severe sadness, guilt, and depression from Alec, but now it had suddenly vanished. He shook his head and turned his mind to Clary, ignoring all the signs that were presented to him.)

Meanwhile, Alec had moved on to cutting the one visible vein on each of his feet, making more blood spurt out. He was now gently cutting his throat and making it to his bedside, hoping to lie on his bed before bleeding out. Alec got his wish, and promptly remembered something he’d forgotten: if the parabatai who has blocked the connection dies or is about to die, the block will disappear. That meant that Jace would be feeling the peace that Alec was feeling now, smell the coppery scent of blood that was filling Alec’s nostrils, and realise that his parabatai was dying.

(With Jace, he didn’t notice until he vomited from the smell that was filling up Alec’s senses. Everyone on patrol looked at him oddly before he told them that he didn’t like the overwhelming smell of blood that was filling his senses. He then realised that it was Alec’s senses filling up with blood, but he could only feel peace from the older shadowhunter.)

Alec cursed to himself as his phone rang, having lost too much blood to reach it. It was Jace’s ringtone, the one that Alec had never been bothered to remove to something less… _telling_ of his feelings. **A/N Think of the song that played at Alec’s wedding when he started walking towards Magnus. That’s the song.** Then Alec heard the songs he’d put on play. Still Here by Digital Daggers was on at the moment, and it seemed very fitting. The song before it had been Invisible by Skylar Grey, also very fitting for the occasion. Alec had always been dismissed in favour of Jace, Izzy, and even sometimes Max. The last time he had been properly noticed since before he’d kissed Magnus was when Jace had tattled to Maryse and Robert about Alec cutting himself. The last time he’d been properly noticed in a favourable light before he’d proposed to Lydia… Alec couldn’t even remember. He thought it was when he was an adorable baby, that almost-year when it was just him, Maryse and Robert. Although they’d been in a war at the time, so maybe not.

Reflecting on memories did take a lot out of you, Alec noticed. Or maybe it was that he was running out of blood to spill onto the red sheets that used to be white. That was it, he realised as the darkness crept up on his vision. He was almost dead. He could jump for joy! Although, physically he couldn’t but it was the thought that counts, right? Just before his senses numbed, Alec heard through Jace’s ears the curses his _parabatai_ was uttering, felt the panic flooding Jace’s body, and the hand that Jace was clutching to his _parabatai_ rune. Then all Alec’s senses died and his soul left the body it was in for the last 23 years of its life and moved into Heaven.

(Jace stopped running when he felt his connection to Alec disappear. He simply fell to his knees and screamed his pain out to the heavens. Jace stopped caring about Clary, he called Izzy and tried to tell her that Alec was dead. However, only sobs came out of the blonde’s mouth, and he eventually managed to say “Check Alec’s room” Jace didn’t know how to explain this to Magnus over the phone, so he walked to the warlock’s home, hoping it would give him any ideas for him to tell Magnus.)

(When he got there, all he could do was show Magnus his faded _parabatai_ rune, and Alec’s lover got it. Magnus didn’t stop mourning until 1000 years had passed since Alec’s death.)

(Izzy screamed when she entered Alec’s room, though she wouldn’t admit it later. There was blood everywhere; on Alec’s bare shelves, his dresser, even bloody marks clearly stating that he had been dragged/dragged himself from the bathroom to his bed. Oh God, his bed. Alec’s body was slumped on it, looking like he had just thrown himself onto his bed and gone to sleep, if not for the fact that his back wasn’t moving with puffs of air. And the bed was stained red with Alec’s blood. He was mostly untouched by the blood, but when Izzy lifted his arms up, she discovered several vertical lines down his wrists, cutting the veins.)

(Turning over the body made it worse. Turning over the body made Izzy find the blade that was used, now loosely held in his slack grip, and several cuts along his chest and stomach. If Izzy looked close enough, she could see that some of the cuts formed words. Alec had also cut along the veins in his feet and slit his own throat. Izzy’s tears started bubbling out and suddenly she couldn’t stop crying and screaming and wallowing in her grief. She told her parents, of course. Robert hadn’t cared. After all, Alec was the useless faggot of the family. Maryse started crying and shaking Izzy, demanding her to say that it wasn’t true. Like it was just some horrible joke, and Alec would walk out from just behind a wall and the siblings would yell “SURPRISE!” at their mother. But Alec would never wake up, and soon they would have to bury his body in the City of Bones, with their ancestors.)

(The Lightwood heir’s funeral was simple yet exquisite, all silk black decorations and a dark oak coffin which they burned. Alec had never wanted to be sealed underground once he died, so Magnus released his boyfriend’s ashes from the top of a mountain that he’d said he wanted to bring Alec to. Neither liked how disrespectful Clary was to the dead shadowhunter, loudly complaining about being there for most of the funeral until Magnus cast a silencing spell on her. That was quite possibly one of the few times Maryse was actually grateful to the warlock.)

 

The End


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